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Cuáles son y cómo tratar los conflictos en las parejas - Comuna Mujer
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Cuáles son y cómo tratar los conflictos en las parejas

Cuáles son y cómo tratar los conflictos en las parejas

Cuando se comienza una pareja, pocas veces se piensa que pueden surgir conflictos... si bien es algo que se sabe que pasa, muchas personas piensan que van a tener la capacidad de sortearlos o lo que es más probable, resolverlos. En las primeras etapas incluso, puede pasar que no surjan los temidos conflictos, porque cada integrante pone lo mejor de sí en la relación y el sentimiento de idealización, es muy fuerte al comienzo. 

Las parejas en general, se forman bajo la base del enamoramiento, que es una emoción que mezcla la pasión, el afecto, la ternura, el sexo... pero es una emoción pasajera, porque está sometida a la ley de la habituación. Todos sabemos que el enamoramiento se pasa y muchas parejas, basadas solamente en esa emoción, se disuelven... "se pierde la ilusión", "no se siente lo mismo".

Sin embargo, el amor apasionado de los comienzos, es una vía inmejorable para conseguir mantener la pareja. Pero sin duda, no es la única: debe ir acompañado de la capacidad de resolver problemas y ser compatibles en varios aspectos de su personalidad, para poder continuar a largo plazo. Y muchas veces esto no es una elección, sino que es algo que muchas personas no pueden resolver por sí solas, aunque lo deseen. 

Cuando no se tiene esa capacidad, los conflictos enferman mental (depresión, alcohol, violencia...) y físicamente (problemas al corazón, cáncer, enfermedades inmunológicas, dolor crónico...); hasta incluso, aumentan la probabilidad de accidentes de tráfico (incluídos los mortales).

Los conflictos en la pareja, generan también problemas en los hijos: problemas de conducta, depresión y problemas para alcanzar la intimidad en el futuro, ya que el modelo que traen de los padres, les influye mucho en cómo será su idea de pareja.

¿Cuáles son las áreas más comunes de conflicto en las parejas?

El poder, la falta de comunicación o la falla en ella, el dinero, los hijos, la fidelidad, falta de intimidad, familia política, familia de origen, sexualidad, celos, los cambios de vida como una pérdida de trabajo, jubilación, cambio de país, mudanzas, enfermedades, problemas económicos, diferente educación, etc... Estos son algunos de los temas más comunes, pero cada pareja puede tener otros, que no entran en las generalidades.

Las parejas que no pueden resolver sus conflictos, tienen algunas características que les son generales, como por ejemplo los conocidos errores cognitivos (de pensamiento), que son en gran parte los que los llevan a dicha imposibilidad.

Diversos autores cognitivos como Albert Ellis, Aaron Beck, Fritz Heider y otros, estudiaron cuáles son los errores cognitivos que las personas cometen y los sistematizaron. En las parejas con conflictos, se ven algunos de ellos, que nombraré a continuación. 

- Atención selectiva

Las parejas en conflicto, solamente se fijan en las conductas negativas del otro y tienden a no ver o a disminuir la importancia de las conductas positivas. Es como si filtraran parte de la realidad y ven en una sola dirección.

- Atribuciones

La atribución del problema a determinadas causas, se ve como un elemento necesario para su solución; pero si no se hacen las atribuciones correctas, se asegura el conflicto. Por ejemplo, cuando se buscan culpables o se achacan los problemas a malas intenciones que nunca se pueden probar o a elementos que no se pueden cambiar, como la propia personalidad.

- Expectativas

Si aparece una discrepancia entre lo que creen los esposos que debería ser el matrimonio y lo que perciben que es (tanto en cualidad como en cantidad), los problemas están asegurados. Se plasma en frases como: "esto no tiene solución", "debería ser así", etc. 

- Ideas irracionales

Algunas ideas aparentemente normales, pueden ser un foco de conflictos solamente por no ser conscientes de que lo que se piensa no es racional. Algunas de estas ideas son: "estar en desacuerdo es destructivo para la relación", "los miembros de la pareja, deben ser capaces de averiguar los deseos, pensamientos y emociones del otro", "uno debe ser un compañero sexual perfecto del otro", "los conflictos se deben a diferencias innatas asociadas al género", etc.

Estas ideas hacen que cuando se dan de diferente forma, se perciban como algo que los lleve a un conflicto o a creer que no tiene solución; cuando en verdad lo equivocado, es la forma irracional de pensar las cosas.

Solución de los conflictos

La propuesta de la terapia de pareja cognitivo conductual para resolver los conflictos, pasa por:

a) aumentar el intercambio de conductas positivas

b) entrenamiento en habilidades de comunicación y resolución de problemas

c) reestructuración cognitiva de los errores al procesar la información

d) cambiar el patrón de reciprocidad negativa, introduciendo conductas positivas frente a la negatividad

e) cambios en las atribuciones, expectativas e ideas irracionales, cuando es necesario

f) aumento de la intimidad

g) compresión de las motivaciones del otro

h) incremento de la pasión, sexo y afecto; para lo que se emplea la terapia sexual, dirigida no tanto a resolver problemas, sino a incrementar la satisfacción dentro de la normalidad

i) el apego como motivo en la pareja

j) el compromiso de ayudarse en todo instante (es uno de los más importantes motivos que existen para mantener la pareja).


Estos puntos ayudan a que las parejas sepan cómo hacer para lograr un mayor entendimiento y acercamiento, ya que muchas veces no pueden darse cuenta solas, dónde radican sus problemas, por estar muy insertas en ellos.

E incluso, aunque a veces algunos puedan identificar el problema, no tienen las herramientas para saber cómo corregirlos.

Los conflictos deben resolverse para que puedan seguir como pareja y familia, y no continuar trasmitiendo un modelo negativo a las futuras generaciones... ni padecerlos ellos mismos.


Ps. Silvia Cardozo
Terapeuta Cognitivo Conductual
Email: ensil@adinet.com.uy

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